Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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