yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
