what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
