is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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