So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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