Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I lost the right to judge tonight
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
