but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
