Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
