im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
