There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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