He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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