I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
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