anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
