i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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