My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
