just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
