did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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