And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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