the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
