just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
