Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
