i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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