did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
