I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
