Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
