I could make wine with my vomit
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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