Can Purell be used as lube?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it because I queefed?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
