please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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