he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
