Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
