I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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