we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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