So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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