Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
