Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Can you bring me the toilet please
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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