Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize