Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
