My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
