In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
