I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize