Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
