I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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