Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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