I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
