And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
