my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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