he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
