I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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