I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
