I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize