UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
