Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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