and i looked up. we had an audience...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
